Anticipating the Death of George RR Martin

So in anticipation of GRRM dying of a baconator and fan bj-induced heart attack in a closet at a con after party, I’ve written the ending for ASOIAF:

Arya abandons the Faceless Men after her training is complete and goes rogue, searching for Sansa. Upon finding her, Arya is disgusted to discover that Sansa is legitimately in love with Littlefinger and supporting his ultimate plan of returning the 7 kingdoms to independent states rather than one unified kingdom. She travels to the wall to meet Jon Snow. But she’s missed him and the White Walkers descend on Castle Black as she arrives.

Jon Snow is reborn as Azor Ahai and turns long claw into Lightbringer by running Queen Selyse and Princess Shireen through with it at the end of a fit of rage. Now shocked out of this state by the act, he rides south with an army of volunteers from the Free Folk and Night’s Watch, and smashes the crap out of Ramsay Bolton.

This done, but still on the warpath, he heads towards King’s Landing only to encounter Jon Connington and the Golden Company and join forces after a brief skirmish when Varys arrives and recognizes Snow in his new form.

Daenerys set sail for Westeros on the ships of the Ironborn with the Unsullied, the Second Sons, Stormcrows, and a Dothraki Kalissar under the command of Khal Jhaqo. Tyrion Lannister has ingratiated himself and sits on her council. He, since having figured out that Prince Aegon is a fake, compels her to destroy the fake prince and his allies.

Samwell Tarly, in Old Town, has discovered a plot by the Grand Maesters, to rid the wold of magic by killing the dragons. The Maesters’ agenda is to bring the world into an age of knowledge and reason, and to free it from a cycle of conflict between two forces eternally at war with each other. He also discovers that the Wall is built using the bodies of ice-entombed dragons as its structure, and should it fall (or the Horn of Winter be sounded), they will rise as wights.

Having met in battle the forces of Jon Snow and Danerys Targaryen are at a parlay when the two meet and are taken by each other, as Tyrion has tricked Varys into revealing that Snow is the real Prince Aegon, and informs Daenerys of this. The prospect of a marriage between them enrages the Greyjoys, who in retaliation, blow the horn in their possession, in an attempt to usurp control of the dragons. This causes the Wall to come down and awakens dozens of wight dragons which had once been living dragons, sacrificed by the dark magic to repel white walkers.

Nearly everyone dies as the White Walkers wash over Westeros, but Arya, who has returned to the ruins of Winterfell with her pack of dire wolves, guided by Bran who keeps her alive through the slaughter. She marries another survivor, and tries to rebuild Winterfell, and the race of man, as the winter snows recede.

I can’t believe I just spent 15 minutes writing that, but there you go. No need to read the rest of the fucking books.

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