Protip: If you forgot to bring your cup to jiujitsu, don’t play half guard.

Your future children will appreciate it.

This song sums up the 90’s fairly well as far as I’m concerned.

Ignore the fact that for some reason it’s been added to a video from Evil Dead II… the actual music video for the song had embedding disabled (asshat) and this was the best I could get.

Got this bit of poetry in my inbox this morning, courtesy of “Bala Noel”

Nice to meet you Phrost
hey spagetti dick, you can have a salami stick now
http:// URL REMOVED
Bala Noel

Is there anything more trite and self indulgent than ranting about traffic? Never let it be said that my blog caters to the literati.

I hate the drivers in Kansas City.

Let me clarify that a bit. I generally hate the drivers everywhere, for different reasons. But the drivers in Kansas City have earned their very own metacarpal.

Without getting too long-winded about it, Kansas City area drivers act like they’ve just happened to wander off the dirt roads of a farm and onto the big, scary city-folk paved ones.

For starters, merging. I’ve lived in or driven through just about every part of this country except that mess in and around Idaho. And I’ve never seen anyone come to a complete stop at the end of an on-ramp and turn on their blinker.

I’ll restate that.

In the 5+ years I’ve lived out here I’ve seen 4 different idiots come to a full stop at the end of a freeway on-ramp, put on their blinker, and wait patiently for their “turn” as the cars behind them come screeching to a stop trying to avoid death and deductibles. The worst of these decided to do this on a snowy day at the top of a hill, three car lengths in front of my 8,000 lb, V-10, 9GPM OPECmobile, accelerating up to the speed of traffic LIKE YOU’RE F*#ING SUPPOSED TO DO. Fortunately had I gone another four feet further off the road to avoid vehicularly sodomizing this guy, the Excursion would have only tumbled down a 15′ drop into a flaming ball of steel and blood and sweaty gym clothes. At least the hippies at Greenpeace would have seen it as a victory.

I realize that the functional cause of this is the abrasion caused by urban roads grinding their way into the lives of rural people. I grew up in Texas and I know that it’s generally considered polite to change lanes if you see someone merging, especially in the country. Giant horse trailers and trucks full of hay or illegal immigrants take a long time to get up speed and there generally aren’t on-ramps, just stop signs at the intersection of a dirt road and major highways.

But in developed areas where shooting the traffic signs isn’t a way to pass the time between mullet combings, we’ve invented the on-ramps specifically to address this problem. And with the benefit of these great advancements in traffic technology come great responsibilities, such as getting your dumb ass up to the speed of traffic before you merge and not expecting everyone to roll out a red carpet for you as you join them on the road.

The fun doesn’t just stop here. This isn’t the only newfangled bit of driving excitement that goes unappreciated or ignored by the local yokels. These people can’t seem to understand the function or purpose of turning lanes.

Most people would recognize the benefits of having a whole lane dedicated to letting you get the fuck out of the way of everyone else behind you while you slow down to safely make your turn. But nooooo… the clowns here like to have the best of both worlds by keeping half of their car’s ass in each lane while they slow down. I like to think of it as their rear bumper’s way of saying “hey you handsome front bumper, let’s you and I become more acquainted”. It’s kind of cute, if you don’t factor in the criminal and civil penalties for giving in to whimsy and acknowledging the request.

So what’s the solution to all of this?

Shame and embarrassment. There’s no real point to getting angry and flying into a rage over someone you’ll never see again (unless they follow you into a parking lot). It only provides you momentary satisfaction and the idiot in question doesn’t learn anything. Not to mention, it’ll probably land your ass in jail, and the words “ass” and “jail” I’d wager you’d agree, are probably not good things to have in any combination with the word “you”.

But in most areas, (and I’d actually have to check on this) it’s perfectly legal to lay on your horn until said idiot soaks their tribal-design-embroidered seat cover. And unlike a middle finger extend out the window or sunroof, it shouldn’t be held against you if you do get followed into a parking lot and end up talking to a judge about the incident. Don’t take this as legal advice though; your mileage might vary.

My daughter does Ballet one day a week and Jiujitsu (MMA) two. She’s eight. She’s a she. These are all good things.

The ballet helps her flexibility and balance. Besides, she’s a GIRL and even though girls can be feminine and kick ass at the same time, I’m taking great pains to ensure her interests in ass kicking are balanced with her greater interest in growing up to be a well-adjusted female member of society.

While pondering this as I often ponder things (mostly while in traffic), it occurred to me that gender roles and what society expects out of individuals based on where their reproductive organs are, are fairly well entrenched.

If we’re being completely honest with ourselves, most people, yes even guys, like to dance. The amount of alcohol or level one needs to go to impress a female required to facilitate this happening will vary from individual to individual. But failing the sauce or the chance for musical foreplay, dancing is not the most masculine pursuit. Hell, John Wayne didn’t dance. He did, however, kick copious amounts of ass.

And with most urges that get repressed by society, people tend to find an outlet to pursue them in a socially acceptable manner or a manner that balances the urges with the image they want to put forth.

You probably see where I’m going with this already.

So let’s cut to the chase and compare forms-based or non-sparring Martial Arts/Schools with Dance Schools.

• Flashy costumes often bordering on “fabulous” (if you know what I mean)? CHECK!
• Group and partner performances/demonstrations? CHECK!
• Mirrors so you can preen and always look your best? CHECK!
• Excessive amounts of stretching? CHECK!
• Instructor-lead choreography? CHECK!
• Partner-assisted coordinated movements? CHECK CHECKITY CHECK YOURSELF!

All of these are feminine qualities/pursuits. However, when you put on Asian pajamas, they are all magically masked by the oh-so-manly implication that you’re learning to kick someone’s ass.

But without doing any actual ass-kicking (at least via sparring), it’s just Mandancing. This is not to say that violence is a masculine trait, or even a positive one. What’s happening though is much like a male ballet dancer stuffing a sock in his pants and/or walking around glaring at people with a chip on his shoulder; projecting what’s only an image to overcompensate for his love of a feminine pursuit.

So if you spend several hours a week practicing something that resembles fighting, that’s suggestive of fighting, that you want to believe helps you get better at fighting, but you’re not actually fighting, then go ahead and admit it: you like dancing.

Sifu Bob’s House of Krotty is basically LaFleur Academy of Dance. And your silk pajamas? Yeah, not much more than a lacy tutu. Enjoy your costumes and your choreography, mandancer.